Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
