I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
