You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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