i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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