2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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