Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
