You just made me feel so damn special
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
