not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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