Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
