We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
