Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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