life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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