just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
