She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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