Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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