and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
