I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
