I wish I could teleport
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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