and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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