He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
