So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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