fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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