Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
