I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
