sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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