never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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