allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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