Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
