Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
