I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
