True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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