I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
