So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
