i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
