So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Randomize
