so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
