you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
