toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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