yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
