We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
