Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
