I have demons in me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
