God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
