sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
