my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just invented taco cereal.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
