i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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