Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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