Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
