i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
