I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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