I want to walk on stilts...naked
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
