i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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