Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
