You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
