I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
