i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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