So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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