I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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