I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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