I am spending my child support on dildos
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The Olympian is in my bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
