I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
