I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
