the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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